I never spill my pepsi, because I don't want to litter-a-cola!
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is a little lighter.
They just came out with an Elvis themed soda pop. It's like a regular soda except it's all shook up!
My nephew is fascinated with birds, to the point where he even has an 8-volume encyclopedia. Lately, he's been falcon off...
Neurotics build condemned castles in the sky. Psychotics lives in these same castles. Psychiatrists collect the rent. Heavy metal documents it all!
A woman asked her husband, "What should I use for our new computer password?"
The husband replied, "How's about: My Dick?" The wife typed it in and then burst out into hysterical laughter. "What is so funny?!" the husband growled.
So said she - "It says error too short!!!"
You're growing on me. Like a wart.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching?
She only had one pupil.
Why was the zombie chicka at a party?
She was looking for an edible bachelor!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
They can lighten your load.
My car was getting a direly needed repair. The mechanic says to me, "I see your problem, you blew a seal." So I says, "Hey bub, just fix the darn car!... Keep my personal life out of it."
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the banana?
The lettuce was ahead.
Cinderella was bad a gymnastics I mean just awful, can't vault her for it though.
She had had a pumpkin for a coach!
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words...
"You still got a hold of the ladder?"
What does an Amish call an indoor monkey-bars, teeter-totter, and lightning-rod?
What's large and green and sits in a corner on its own all day?
The Incredible Sulk.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trumpet?
A snake in the brass.
What's Dracula's favorite dessert?
Leeches and scream.
Why did Frankenstein's monster eat the street lamp?
He needed a light snack!
Why do witches have stiff joins?
They get broomatism.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I'm not going to spread it!
My doctor asked for my records.
I pulled up my SoundCloud!
What lizard can get a whole town high?
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit go into a blood bank. A nurse asks the rabbit, "What type are you?" The rabbit says, "Actually I'm a type-O."
How do Minecraft fans celebrate?
They throw a block party!
It's a good thing to tell your secrets to a mummy.
He'll always keep it under wraps!
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
Why don't roosters wear pants?
Because their pecker's on their head!
A slytherin said with -
cheeks all flushed red.
Roses are dead.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Bitch you ugly...
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef!
Why did the duck go to rehab?
He was a quack addict!
How deep is a frog's pond?
What do you get when you play tug-of-war with a pig?
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear that Alexis Texas got a degree in agriculture?
She's also now a "corn star"
What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo!
What's worse than ants in your pants?
I took night classes on the evils of cannibalism.
The professor gave us a Hannibal lecture!
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Unitarian?
Someone who knocks at your door for no particular reason!
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
But I turned myself around!
Two ladybugs were discussing fashion.
"What's in right now?" said one.
"Yellow Jackets," the other replied.
If the voices in my head paid rent I'd be a millionaire!
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
The bartender shouts "Get outta here! We don't serve your type!"
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
I thought it were time for a changeup what with my glasses and all.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
How is killing a swarm of wasps the same as killing a swarm of lawyers?
Neither one makes me feel at all guilty!
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Mr. and Mrs. Potato head were talking to each other. Who do we want our daughter, Liza to marry Mr. Potato head asked. "How about Dan Rather?" Mr. Potato head asked. "No, not Dan Rather," Mrs. Potato head replied. "He's a common tater."
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office: I'll get you, you have my Word!
Why do ducks where big shirts? To cover their butt quack!
Do you know what an innuendo is? An Italian suppository!
Did you hear Snoop Dogg just started a bread company?
It's called "where da wheat at!?"
Did you hear Snoop Dogg had a job selling gardening supplies? But he quit, ya know why? Cuz he don't love them hoes!
If you drive a millennium falcon with no original parts, you might be a redneck Jedi!
If you KNEW princess Leia was your sister all along, you might be a redneck Jedi!
In the days of yore, all of Jesus' followers brought him marijuana, the sacred herb, so he could smoke of it and impart his great wisdom from above. Each strain was better than the last and Jesus spoke more and more of peace, love, and understanding. Then came the time for Judas to present his. But you know what Judas brought?
What do you call a person who says up 14 days straight? A two-weeker!
What did the sweet potato say to the apple? I hate to admit that I am a vegetable but I YAM what I YAM!
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas & it's still printing!
Yo mama so fat, she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled Taxi!
Yo mama so fat, that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up!
What do monkeys use instead of airplanes? Hot air baboons!
Words of wisdom- "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick!
Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener? She thought it was diet coke!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day!
How did the mummy address her letter? Tomb it may concern!
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roamin' Catholic!
Do you know what Bach is doing right now? Decomposing!!!
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
What do you call a vampire junkie? Count Drugula!
Ya mama so skinny she can dodge raindrops!
Ya mama so stupid she bought tickets to see Xbox Live!
What do you call an evil potato? A dick-tater!
What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!
Ole and Lena were newcomers to the United States. One day Ole was driving on the
freeway when he got a call. It was Lena, "Be careful driving," she said, "there's some dipstick driving against traffic!" "Oofta! There's thousands of them fuckers!" he replied.
What was Sherlock Holmes favorite school? Elementary, my dear Watson!
What's shaking at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Holes all over Australia!
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
What did the dare-devil type writer say? My only regret is that I have but one asterisk.
I would stop drinking but God knows I hate a quitter!
I'm poor so I like to think of the pizza crust as a free breadstick.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the shoe say to the pants? What's up britches!?
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ!
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning...
So a business man opens a laundromat next to a convent. He want's their business so he introduces himself to mother superior, and all goes well until he asks her if she has any dirty habits.
What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about 'em but you never see 'em!
What do you call an elf under a woman's dress?
An old lady goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I have these terrible farts, real cheek flappers! But they produce no smell and make no sound, so at least I'm not too embarrassed" The doctor replies, "Take these pills every evening and come back in two weeks."
The old lady returns two weeks later. "Doctor, I still have the farts, but now they stink to high heaven! At least they are silent so nobody knows it's me." The doctor replies, "Good, well now that we have that sinus infection cleared up it's time to fit you for a hearing aid."
What's the world's oldest sport?
Baseball, yah chuckle head!
The Bibles 1st words: "In the big inning..."